“True intimacy is not the absence of privacy or the absence of boundaries or the absence of a separate self—in fact, we need to have our own spaces and limits and identity. True intimacy is the absence of secrets.”
The quality of your belonging will be inversely correlated with the size of your secrets. The more secrets you harbor about who you are, what you’ve done, why you’ve done it, how you’re wounded, and so on, the more difficult it will be to cultivate authentic connection and love. So, the challenge in Episode 34 of The Loveable Podcast is this: begin the emptying…
Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:
- A useful acronym: W.A.I.T. Why am I talking? Or, where am I speaking from, my true self or my false self? Does this facilitate connection with them (true self), or protection of me (false self)?
- Prejudice diminishes as we live less and less from our false self, but it is never eliminated completely, because our true self never completely goes away.
- Kids need parents with conflicting strengths. When those strengths cause actual conflict, it is simply complementarity without grace.
- To confess secrets is to feel good, healthy, unburdened. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually.
- The part of us that most commonly keeps secrets is the little one in us who is trying to stay out of trouble.
- When you go to therapy, reveal your secrets, and realize you are still worthy of belonging, it gives you the courage to do this outside of therapy, as well.
- Telling secrets may continue to refine our circles of belonging. This is hard. And essential.
- There is no detour around risk and vulnerability if you want to arrive at belonging.
You can listen below or on iTunes!
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Connect with Kelly
Dr. Kelly Flanagan is a psychologist, author, consultant, and speaker who enjoys walking with people through the three essentials of a truly satisfying life: worthiness, belonging, and purpose. His blog writings have been featured in Reader’s Digest, The Huffington Post, The 5 Love Languages, and the TODAY Show. Kelly is the author of Loveable, and his next book, True Companions, will be published in 2021.