Week 25: The One Sentence That Can Change Your Love and Life [Loveable 026]

“I’m not going to worry very much about offending people anymore, which means I need you to tell me when I do, so I can think about it and decide if I need to apologize.”

This is the one sentence that can change the way you love and live. In Episode 26 of The Loveable Podcast, we explore the fine line between empathy and codependence, and how healthy emotional boundaries, rooted in our sense of worthiness, can help us to stay on the right side of that line. 

loveable podcast episode 26

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • The dark night of the soul only leads us somewhere if we bravely continue to walk through it, one step at a time.
  • Sometimes we aren’t afraid of rejection, we are exhausted by it. But if we hope to find belonging, we must keep showing up, no matter how weary we are.
  • Just try to fail a little better next time; it takes the pressure off.
  • Empathy becomes codependence when responsibility for cultivating belonging is not shared in the relationship.
  • At first, worthiness gives us the courage to use our voice; as we mature, it also gives us the courage to hear when our voice has been hurtful.
  • There’s a difference—a huge one—between speaking your mind and speaking your heart.
  • Your true self is naturally caring and compassionate.

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Week 24: The Other Most Important Thing to Look for in a Best Friend [Loveable 025]

“Your time on this big rock is limited, so it is probably a waste of your time to spend it trying to convince people who cannot see the goodness of your heart that it is, indeed, good.”

Finding true belonging is not just about finding people, it is also about letting some people go. In Episode 25 of The Loveable Podcast, we explore the always complicated and often painful process of giving up on belonging with some people, so we can go build it with other people. 

loveable podcast episode 25

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • You matter, your needs matter, and even your wants matter.
  • Cure is fixing brokenness, while care is abiding in it, and sometimes care is even more healing than cure.
  • People who will not embrace your true self are not bad people, but they are bad for you.
  • The most painful part of finding true belonging also yields the greatest rewards.
  • The people we belong to can’t read our mind, but they do trust our heart.
  • The secret to marriage is not the pace of growth, but faith in the desire for it.
  • Cultivating true belonging always requires grieving the loss of the belonging we want but will never have.

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Week 23: The Most Important Thing to Look for in a Best Friend [Loveable 024]

“Belonging is built on bravery.”  

Most of us, when we are looking for someone to belong to—whether in marriage or friendship or anywhere else—look for someone who seems either perfect, or a perfect fit. Neither exist. In Episode 24 of The Loveable Podcast we explore what else we might look for in our relationships. Hint: it has to do with blindspots and brokenness and bravery…

loveable podcast episode 24

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • Finding true belonging is not about total authenticity, but wise authenticity.
  • When you understand how the ego works, you can understand how your teenager works.
  • You can’t see the true self in anyone else until you have first embraced it within yourself.
  • Pursuing and distancing behaviors in relationships are very different-looking methods of anxiety management.
  • If you don’t have a growth mindset, it is impossible to find true belonging.
  • Ultimately, we hunger for connection, not perfection.
  • Marriage is two people working on their own self-becoming, right next to each other, with each other, for a lifetime.

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Week 22: Putting Stories Before Opinions [Loveable 023]

“Every opinion is a story in disguise…Every belief is a story fashioned into a worldview.”  

Episode 23 of The Loveable Podcast is all about opinions, opinionated people, and how to go deeper than our opinions in order to form true belonging. We wear our opinions like armor, and this week we’re going to talk about how to take a little more of that armor off, so we can truly connect.

loveable podcast episode 23

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • Having patience with ourselves, as our tolerance for vulnerability ebbs and flows.
  • A powerful example of how true belonging is built.
  • The key principle that guides all graceful boundary setting.
  • The difference between having an opinion and wielding an opinion.
  • Why debating our opinions is best saved until after discussing our stories.
  • A litmus test for true belonging.
  • How cultural trends are promoting truer belonging between parents and children.
  • The importance of curiosity and surprise when discussing our stories.
  • How to believe your opinion is universally true and still cultivate belonging rather than division with it.
  • A practice for cultivating storytelling rather than opinion-giving.

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Week 21: Finding the Fear Underneath All the Fury [Loveable 022]

“Anger isn’t an inherently bad thing. Anger becomes a destructive thing when we allow it to become a reactive thing instead of harnessing it as a guiding thing.”  

In Episode 21 of The Loveable Podcast, we focus on what to do with the anger around us and the anger within us. How do we know when anger is healthy versus unhealthy, and how do we relate to it in a way that produces wisdom and connection rather than pain and aggression?

loveable podcast episode 22

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • The importance of practicing vulnerability in safe spaces.
  • How creating a dialogue with the little kid inside of you can help you to overcome fear and increase your tolerance for vulnerability.
  • The difference between courage and foolishness when cultivating belonging.
  • What it looks like when the true self in you sees past someone’s anger and instead sees their true self.
  • Why hurting people hurt people.
  • The essential difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
  • How the concept of ego helps us to disrupt negative escalation in communication.
  • How to progress through our various layers of protection to reconnect with our true self.
  • Why releasing our false self feels like a grieving process.
  • A practice for disrupting patterns of anger in relationships.

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Week 20: What to Do with Your Walls [Loveable 021]

“Walls are everywhere in our world…We build them so big they are the only things we create that can be seen from space. It’s like we’re advertising to the universe, ‘Walls matter on this big, spinning rock!’ But perhaps the biggest walls, the most important walls, are the ones that cannot be seen at all…the walls we erect in our minds, build around our hearts, and place firmly between ourselves and other people.”  

In Episode 21 of The Loveable Podcast, we discuss the necessity of heart-walls, but also the essentiality of using them wisely, so they lead to love and belonging, rather than disconnection and loneliness. 

loveable podcast episode 21

This week’s episode answers the following questions:

  • What do heart-walls look like? What do healthy walls look like?
  • How can I be intentional about monitoring how and when I’m protecting with my heart walls?
  • Why when I act strong and needless and wantless, do I end up even more lonely than before?
  • Does the risk and vulnerability of cultivating true belonging ever go away?
  • How can I increase my comfort with vulnerability and decrease the chances that I will keep myself hidden and protected?
  • How do we discern when it is healthy versus self-sabotaging to protect ourselves with our heart-walls?
  • What should you do in marriage if spouses have different levels of comfort with vulnerability?
  • How can I engage with the little kid inside of me who is still in charge of my walls?
  • What can I do this week to take one small step toward healthier walls and productive vulnerability?

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Week 19: From Limping Lonely to Loving Together [Loveable 020]

There are two kinds of loneliness. The first kind is a natural and inevitable part of being human—it exists because you exist. The second kind of loneliness, however, is a loneliness of our own creation. And that’s good news, because if we can create it, we can also uncreate it. 

In Episode 20 of The Loveable Podcast, we talk about the thing within us that creates the second type of loneliness, and we begin to explore what we can do about that thing, so that we can finally be together. 

loveable podcast episode 20

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • Why not distinguishing between our two kinds of loneliness inadvertently makes our shame and loneliness worse.
  • Why nonlonely people don’t really exist.
  • How to take responsibility for our own role in creating our own unnecessary loneliness.
  • A thorough exploration of the false self in each of us, which backfires, creating more loneliness.
  • Why compassion for our own false self is the only path toward living from our true self.
  • How to minimize loneliness in the midst of depression.
  • Why true belonging is built not around perfection but around repair.
  • A powerful tip for building belonging in marriage—and it’s simple!
  • What healthy emotional boundaries look like.
  • A practice that will prepare you to break the habit of protecting that keeps you lonely.
  • A teaser about the next episode entitled, “What to Do with Your Walls.”

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Week 18: A Kid Named Lonely [Loveable 019]

“Places of belonging are not meant to be places where our loneliness is taken away. They are meant to be places where we reveal our loneliness to one another…Once you have made your loneliness available to one of your people, you will no longer need to eradicate it. You will be able to touch it without fear and despair. You may feel hopeless to fix it, but you will be filled with the hope that comes from being joined in it.”

In Episode 19 of The Loveable Podcast, we begin the months of loving by talking about loneliness and how to transform our relationship to it, so all of our relationships can be transformed by it. 

loveable podcast episode 19

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • How the inward journey of embracing our worthiness lays the foundation for the outward journey toward true belonging.
  • Why cultivating belonging always entails risk, fear, and vulnerability.
  • How normalizing our loneliness by sharing it helps to diminish it without having to eliminate it.
  • Why circles of true belonging must shrink before they deepen.
  • The idea that circles of true belonging are organized around a shared sense of worthiness rather than shared interests.
  • The reason it is so important to begin relationships from your true self, rather than projecting a persona.
  • Why people may respond in both good and bad ways when we begin revealing our true self.
  • A practice for disrupting conflict in marriage and relationships in general triggered by disputes around loneliness.
  • Why it is important to be aware that our loneliness has been with us forever and did not originate in our current relationship.
  • A teaser about the next episode entitled, “From Limping Lonely to Loving Together.”

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Week 17: The One Illusion We Cannot Afford to Believe In [Loveable 018]

“Experiencing our worthiness does not lead us to believe we are self-sufficient; it helps us to be at peace with the knowledge that we are insufficient. We are interconnected. Interdependent. As big as a limitless soul, but as small and as fragile as a human body.”

In Episode 18 of The Loveable Podcast, we focus on the truest fruit of embracing our worthiness: embracing the worthiness of everyone else as well, and remembering that we are all ultimately connected.

loveable podcast episode 18

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • How to relinquish our attachment to mental narratives that keep us miserable.
  • Why allowing ourselves to feel sadness and pain paradoxically produces energy, creativity, and joy.
  • The importance of asking for a mentor or guide if venturing into our emotions becomes overwhelming.
  • How embracing our own worthiness helps us to raise kids who have a resilient sense of worthiness.
  • Why life is about connection, not competition.
  • A challenge to identify the people in your life who have been the voice of grace to you.
  • A practice to cultivate awareness of, and gratitude for, your connection to others.
  • A teaser about the next episode entitled, “A Kid Named Lonely.”

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Week 16: The Fear (and Joy) of Removing the Masks We Wear [Loveable 017]

“Grace is what happens when someone or Someone sees through our many masks, recognizing and celebrating the innocent little one that still resides beneath all of our disguises…Grace is the assurance that everyone is of equal value and equally worthy, so all you have to do to be loved is show up.”

In Episode 17 of The Loveable Podcast, we focus on naming the masks we wear, and daring to take one of them off.

loveable podcast episode 17

This week’s episode explores the following topics:

  • How the counter-intuitive choice to be uncertain can reduce our stress, decrease our conflict, and increase our self-esteem.
  • The importance of building margin into our schedules—room for imperfections and mess to happen—so you can take the time to learn from mess, pain, and disappointment.
  • How practicing vulnerability is similar to learning how to drive.
  • Why self-acceptance cannot be a group effort and the harm we do to our relationships when we try to make it so.
  • How to have grace for yourself when you “relapse” into looking for your worthiness in your relationships, rather than in your self.
  • The dangers of successfully wearing a facade or persona.
  • Why Halloween is sometimes more grace-full than Christmas.
  • What Jesus shows us in the last week of his life about how to find belonging.
  • A practice for identifying our masks and removing them.
  • A teaser about the next episode entitled, “The One Illusion We Cannot Afford to Believe In.”

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