Week 34: Let’s Hold Each Other Like We’re Dying [Loveable 035]

“Sometimes, we fight so we don’t have to feel. Sometimes, we trade jeers so we don’t have to trade tears…and that’s a problem. Because the solutions to our most pressing concerns don’t lie within the heated exchange of our ideas; they lie at the bottom of our grief. If we don’t get better at grieving, we can’t get better at loving and living.”

In Episode 35 of The Loveable Podcast, we talk about how attention to our mortality can radically reshape our reality, making us less reactive and more tender, bringing us peace, and expanding our sense of belonging to include all people…

loveable podcast episode 35

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • Before we share our secrets with trusted others, we must first admit them to ourselves.
  • In places of true belonging, our people can help us to see the secrets we’ve been keeping, even from ourselves. If we let them.
  • Grieving our losses ahead of time gives us a chance to redeem them in advance by living a more intentional and loving life.
  • One natural result of contemplating our mortality is compassion.
  • Only by going through sorrow about our mortality do we exit our denial, anger, and fear and enter into peace. Sorrow is the doorway.
  • When we surrender to grief it becomes peace; when we resist it, it becomes depression.
  • The surest way to develop confidence in your courage is to grieve.
  • Our mortality is our most fundamental common ground, and awareness of it straightens out our priorities and expands our sense of belonging.

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Week 33: The Healing Is in the Emptying [Loveable 034]

“True intimacy is not the absence of privacy or the absence of boundaries or the absence of a separate self—in fact, we need to have our own spaces and limits and identity. True intimacy is the absence of secrets.”

The quality of your belonging will be inversely correlated with the size of your secrets. The more secrets you harbor about who you are, what you’ve done, why you’ve done it, how you’re wounded, and so on, the more difficult it will be to cultivate authentic connection and love. So, the challenge in Episode 34 of The Loveable Podcast is this: begin the emptying…

loveable podcast episode 34

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • A useful acronym: W.A.I.T. Why am I talking? Or, where am I speaking from, my true self or my false self? Does this facilitate connection with them (true self), or protection of me (false self)?
  • Prejudice diminishes as we live less and less from our false self, but it is never eliminated completely, because our true self never completely goes away.
  • Kids need parents with conflicting strengths. When those strengths cause actual conflict, it is simply complementarity without grace.
  • To confess secrets is to feel good, healthy, unburdened. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually.
  • The part of us that most commonly keeps secrets is the little one in us who is trying to stay out of trouble.
  • When you go to therapy, reveal your secrets, and realize you are still worthy of belonging, it gives you the courage to do this outside of therapy, as well.
  • Telling secrets may continue to refine our circles of belonging. This is hard. And essential.
  • There is no detour around risk and vulnerability if you want to arrive at belonging.

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Week 32: Becoming Students of the People We Belong To [Loveable 033]

“Relationships can grow stale and stuck. Perhaps that’s just the way life goes and the way love ages. But maybe, just maybe, we can fall into love again by learning how to pay attention again—by giving up all of our judgment and assessment and critique and meeting our people in the field of awareness, instead of upon the field of battle.”

In Episode 33 of The Loveable Podcast, we seek love again by choosing to be in school again. Let’s become students of the people we love, curious, fully attentive, ready to learn their every nuance, and cherishing who they are rather than what we would make them into…

loveable podcast episode 33

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • When it comes to growth and transformation, small things make the difference, and the difference is usually small. Be patient. Keep going.
  • A true affirmation of someone else can only overflow from our own sense of worthiness.
  • Every good lesson must be learned over and over (and over) again.
  • Even when we don’t feel loveable, it is important to act as if we are loveable.
  • Certainty may be the greatest barrier to curiosity.
  • We cannot force anyone to become curious about us; we can only cultivate curiosity about them, and invite them to do the same.
  • We’re wired to notice what is wrong with our people, but with careful attention and curiosity, we will become aware of what is beautiful about them, too.
  • One of the best ways to practice curiosity is to clarify the meaning of the words our people use.

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Week 31: Turning Pro at the Art of Loving [Loveable 032]

“You have a relationship gift. Something you are naturally good at. A way of loving that no one else can do in exactly the way you do it…You can stop being humble about it. You can stop suppressing it and burying it. You can stop being an amateur at it. Own it. Claim it. Inhabit it. You can decide right now, here, today, that you are going to become pro at that particular act of love.”

In Episode 32 of The Loveable Podcast, we uncomplicate love. For a week, put aside all the marriage blogs you’ve read, relationship books you’ve bought, love promises you’ve been made by the experts. Simplify. Focus on practicing one act of love with the people you love, and build your belonging now. 

loveable podcast episode 32

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • The successful negotiation of conflicting boundaries is essential for healthy belonging.
  • Growth usually follows a painful pause in your life. Be patient. Learn from the pain. Then move forward.
  • You are not here to love all people in all ways; you are here to love the people in front of you in the way that you love best.
  • There’s a difference between nurturing others and pleasing others. The former is a way of connecting, the latter a way of protecting.
  • The mutual willingness to self-examine is essential for true belonging.
  • Belonging is not an empire (vast and grand), it is a well (narrow and deep.)
  • Being loveable is not a feeling you have within you, it’s a fact that’s always true about you. When you don’t feel loveable, you remain loveable.

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Week 30: Letting Grace Show Us How to Love [Loveable 031]

“Relationships do not thrive on big things; they thrive upon small things done every day. They don’t thrive necessarily on doing new things; they thrive upon doing old things we used to do and quit doing somewhere along the way. And, if we can set aside our ego for a little while, we don’t need anyone to tell us what those things are. We already know.”

In Episode 31 of The Loveable Podcast, we shift our focus from cultivating new places of belonging to reviving the places of belonging we already have…

loveable podcast episode 31

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • When you ask for help and you are specific about what you need, more often than not, you will discover that others are eager to help, because you are giving them a chance to be fully human.
  • It is a part of normal, healthy development for adult kids to seek places of belonging outside of their family-or-origin.
  • In a place of true belonging, you can worry someone and they will still want to be with you.
  • The voice of grace within us first teaches us we are loveable, and then shows us how to love.
  • Sometimes, relationships heal most quickly not when you do something new, but when you rededicate yourself to doing the things that worked before.
  • Suffering becomes tolerable, perhaps even peaceful, when we know we are not alone in it.

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Week 29: Embracing Your Limitations and Being Embraced by Your People [Loveable 030]

“To live from our soul—the great, powerful, divine thing at the center of us—is, paradoxically, to become aware of our dependence on other souls. When the bad stuff happens, it’s a chance to rely on the good stuff in other people. And the people who bring the good stuff are the people we belong to.”

We find our places of belonging when we ask for help. However, in order to feel safe, be independent, and appear strong, we resist asking. In other words, to ask for help is to invite belonging, but we don’t send enough invitations. In Episode 30 of The Loveable Podcast, we talk about the limitations of our independence and the rewards of having the courage to ask for help. 

loveable podcast episode 30

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • True belonging may not be possible apart from the passing back and forth of grace.
  • The people we belong to are the people who show up in our time of need, no questions asked.
  • The people we belong to don’t show up for a crisis and then disappear; they linger, lovingly.
  • Asking for help earlier in a time of need lightens the burden on everyone involved. Ask early. Ask often.
  • Belonging is a paradox—it is the place where you feel safest, so it also becomes the place where you take the biggest and scariest risks.
  • Letting go of the people we wish we could belong to always feels like grief.
  • As we grow, our growth includes grace for those who aren’t growing at the same pace we are.

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Week 28: Learning How to Take a Compliment [Loveable 029]

“Once upon a time, before our wounds and our world made us forget, we knew the good things about us were true. We believed them so thoroughly it didn’t hurt to hear them spoken to us.”

In Episode 29 of The Loveable Podcast, we focus on the art of receiving compliments. You see, for most of us, the problem is not that we are given no affirmation; the problem is that we have difficulty truly receiving the affirmations we are given. They roll off us, like water off a duck’s back. Here, we talk about how to absorb them, take them in, and allow them to remind us of our worthiness…

loveable podcast episode 29

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • Loneliness cannot be eliminated, but it can be shared, and thus dissipated.
  • Certainty is a method for staving off feelings of loneliness, but it leaves us feeling more lonely than ever.
  • In our circles of belonging, we can trust compliments are sincere, because they’ve been preceded by sincere challenges.
  • Oftentimes, compliments challenge our perfectionism—we don’t believe we should receive them until our performance is perfect—but true compliments are not about our performance, they are about our person.
  • When someone affirms us, they are not telling us who we always are, they are telling us who we truly are.
  • Sometimes what is being said about us is truer than what is being said within us.
  • You can’t force belonging, you can only invite it, and every affirmation is an invitation.

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Week 27: The Essential Building Block of Belonging [Loveable 028]

“When our egos lose, our hearts win.”

In Episode 28 of The Loveable Podcast, we dive deep into the topic of empathy, including how essential it is for true belonging, and the five barriers to cultivating it and communicating it. It’s time to exchange protection for connection. It’s time to quit living from your ego and to start loving from your heart… 

loveable podcast episode 28

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • In places of true belonging, you do not necessarily agree with the opinions of others, but you do honor the personhood of others.
  • In order to cultivate true belonging, you must replace certainty with curiosity, because curiosity drives out all judgment.
  • Belonging is cultivated during the hard and messy times, and it is ultimately felt when that hard labor eventually produces fruit.
  • Empathy is a gift to the other, and the gift we receive in return is a growing sense of belonging.
  • Hurry is the enemy of empathy.
  • When empathy is used for protection rather than connection, it is called codependency.
  • Empathy creates space for pain to exist, without pressure to immediately fix it.

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Week 26: The Opposite of Loneliness [Loveable 027]

“The world we live in is aching with loneliness. Yet, we are rarely aware of it, because in a loud and crowded world, loneliness has a thousand busy disguises.”

In Episode 27 of The Loveable Podcast, we discuss how our mass connection culture produces fake news and fake belonging, we explore the necessary requirements for true belonging, and we identify the one word that will help you build true belonging over a lifetime. 

loveable podcast episode 27

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • For true belonging to happen, the only requirements are an awareness of our shared humanity, and a willingness to reveal our shared humanity.
  • The people we belong to not only tolerate our growth and transformation, they encourage it.
  • The core reality of our existence is wholeness and belonging; our task is to become aware of this.
  • You can’t find peace by seeking it, but by cultivating the conditions that give rise to it.
  • Belonging can be created in any moment when someone is truly seen and heard.
  • Belonging does not require total transparency; it requires total presence.
  • Belonging can be found in a moment, but it requires a lifetime to build.

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Week 25: The One Sentence That Can Change Your Love and Life [Loveable 026]

“I’m not going to worry very much about offending people anymore, which means I need you to tell me when I do, so I can think about it and decide if I need to apologize.”

This is the one sentence that can change the way you love and live. In Episode 26 of The Loveable Podcast, we explore the fine line between empathy and codependence, and how healthy emotional boundaries, rooted in our sense of worthiness, can help us to stay on the right side of that line. 

loveable podcast episode 26

Here are just a few of the takeaways from this week’s episode:

  • The dark night of the soul only leads us somewhere if we bravely continue to walk through it, one step at a time.
  • Sometimes we aren’t afraid of rejection, we are exhausted by it. But if we hope to find belonging, we must keep showing up, no matter how weary we are.
  • Just try to fail a little better next time; it takes the pressure off.
  • Empathy becomes codependence when responsibility for cultivating belonging is not shared in the relationship.
  • At first, worthiness gives us the courage to use our voice; as we mature, it also gives us the courage to hear when our voice has been hurtful.
  • There’s a difference—a huge one—between speaking your mind and speaking your heart.
  • Your true self is naturally caring and compassionate.

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