Breaking News: Celebrity Divorce Causes Global Uprising

(UnTangled News)The world was rocked yesterday by a cataclysmic event—a divorce—that will alter the course of humanity and the future of the planet.

Although details of the event are still being sorted out, we can confirm some basic facts:

For millennia, Love has been married to Power, clinging to Power and riding on his coattails, relying on Power to transform people and the world. Love had low self-esteem—she was afraid to exist on her own in the world, afraid of what people would do to her and say about her.

But yesterday, something changed. In hearts and homes and villages and cities and nations, Love finally gave up on the relationship. Love just up and walked out on Power, ending their partnership for good.

One close friend of the couple, who goes by the name of Inertia, was quoted as saying, “They were always at odds with each other. They kept each other in check. While they were together, you got the sense nothing would ever change. And I kind of liked that.” Inertia went on to add, “Now that Love is free of Power, I’m afraid she’s going to change everything.” Inertia refused to comment further, saying he needed to go take his Pepto-Bismol.

Reports from Around the Globe

Reports pouring in from around the globe suggest Inertia’s worst fear may be coming true—now that Love and Power are divorced, Love has been free to sacrifice and to lose and to be vulnerable and to invite and to release and to honor:

An older brother quit beating on his younger brother, picked him up, dusted him off, and offered to be his friend and his mentor.

A father quit screaming at his children—quit demanding obedience and respect—and instead began to whisper, coaxing them into love and respect by honoring their dignity.

A mother relinquished control over her children—she just gave up on perfecting them. She decided to let them be kids, to love them, and to accept whatever judgment comes her way from other parents about her messy children.

A wife quit wielding power through silence and isolation and withdrawal. She crumbled and confessed her broken-terrified heart to her husband.

A husband stopped acting as if sex was his daily right, looked his wife in the eye, and told her he would love her to the end, no matter what their marriage bed looked like.

A standoff over a parking spot dissolved into a friendship when one man freely offered the spot to his competitor and then volunteered to take him to lunch.

Violence, anger, and aggression have decreased precipitously in the last twenty-four hours. Road rage has evaporated, school cliques are dissolving, political debate has quieted to a murmur, churches are talking with each other instead of competing against each other, and the NFL is considering cancelling next season as it explores ways to revamp its game around something besides power and dominance.

Love and Power Hold Press Conferences

Sources close to Love say she is not interested in speaking with the media. Since the divorce, she has become much more quiet and contemplative. Although many are suggesting she will have no strength to bind the world together on her own, she is not interested in defending herself.

Her best friend, Grace, issued a final statement on her behalf: “My good friend Love is thrilled to be free and unfettered again. She is excited to go quietly about her business with little fanfare. She’s eager to spend her days becoming more intimately familiar with the hearts and minds of people everywhere. She’s a little rusty, so at first I’ll be reminding her how to invite people, instead of ordering them around.”

In contrast, Power immediately held a press conference. Reports suggest it was difficult to record his tirade, because the seating chart was incredibly stringent, most reporters couldn’t find their seats, and anyone left standing was thrown out. Those who did remain say Power was essentially incoherent with anger.

Power’s best friend, Shame, apologized on Power’s behalf, admitting, “Power and I have gotten away with some heinous things because, with Love by our side, we could convince people of our benevolence. I guess now we’ll have to find other ways to appear benign.” Then Shame, horrified at its own honesty, turned to reporters, looked them in the eye, and said, “None of you are good enough, either. At your core, each of you is rotten and horrible and depraved. Admit it to yourselves. Embrace what you are. And then join us. We’re about to go on quite a rampage.”

Public Reaction

An official spokesperson for the Government responded calmly to the upheaval, suggesting the story was hearsay and rumors. He stated, “This is ridiculous. Love and Power will never break up. They wouldn’t risk that kind of instability.” Reporters noted, however, that despite his calm demeanor, his eye was twitching and his collar was wet with sweat.

Another government source, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated, “Government is terrified. If Love is free to do her work, then Government won’t be the most valued person in the room. And that makes Government very nervous—it needs to be the most needed thing around.”

Religion was divided over the events. In part because that’s what Religion likes to do—divide itself—but also because it has been such a strong public supporter of Love, while quietly relying on Power to grow its numbers. One ecstatic pastor was heard to say, “We’ve been waiting for Love to come home. Faith and Hope have been missing their sibling.” In contrast, another prominent pastor lamented, “We can’t run our business without Power and his buddy Shame. Love should reconcile with them immediately.”

The recording industry was also abuzz with the news. Kanye West tweeted: “When I rapped ‘Do you have the power to let power go?’ I had no idea I was talking about Love.” Minutes later he issued another tweet: “Then again, I’ve always said I’m a lover, not a fighter.”

Huey Lewis got wind of Kanye’s “prophecy” and immediately took umbrage. He stated, “Man, I’ve been singing about the Power of Love since Marty McFly went back in time. This isn’t news. We’re the News.

Finally, psychologist Kelly Flanagan issued his analysis,When you live with Power long enough, you become ashamed. You just stop trusting in your own goodness and strength. Yesterday, it appears, Love simply quit being ashamed of herself. She got confident, quit clinging to Power, and became fully herself.”

He smiled, “And that’s all we’ve ever needed her to be. I don’t think anything or anyone is beyond her reach now.”

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Dr. Kelly Flanagan is a psychologist, author, consultant, and speaker who enjoys walking with people through the three essentials of a truly satisfying life: worthiness, belonging, and purpose. His blog writings have been featured in Reader’s Digest, The Huffington Post, The 5 Love Languages, and the TODAY Show. Kelly is the author of Loveable and True Companions.