The 5 Barriers to Empathy in Marriage (And How to Overcome Them)

Empathy is the foundation of any authentic connection. It’s the bedrock of togetherness, it’s the fuel of compassion, and it’s the mortar of grace. We must hone our ability to feel it and to give it. But empathy can be elusive. Even psychologists, who are skilled in empathy, can struggle with it when they walk out of the office and into their homes…


Photo Credit: Lorenzo Sernicola (Creative Commons)

Dusk is closing in when the shrink arrives home from work and walks in the back door. Some nights, all is well. His wife is smiling, the kids are happy. But on other nights, all is not well.

Some nights, his wife is tired and worn-thin after a long day at work and the onslaught of the children’s cries for food and attention. Some nights, his oldest son is anxious and fretting about the upcoming standardized tests, which his teachers have been hyping more than the Superbowl. Some nights, his middle son is sad and distraught about the various injustices suffered by any middle child. Some nights, his youngest daughter is bouncing and bubbling with joy and eager for a Daddy mirror, for someone to reflect all that effervescence.

Some nights, everyone wants a little empathy and the therapist is feeling stubborn.

Some nights, he gets home, and he knows what he should do. He should remember that sometimes the people we love act in such a way toward us that we begin to feel exactly what they are feeling. He should get quiet and notice that just beneath his stubbornness are his own feelings of fatigue and frustration and anxiety and injustice…and maybe even joy. He should notice this and offer himself up, reach out, find the common ground. 

He should. But he doesn’t.

Because even for psychologists, empathizing with the people we love is so hard to do. And I think it’s particularly hard to empathize with our spouses. After all, we don’t expect much empathy from our children. But we expect an awful lot from our partners.

The Five Reasons We Don’t Give Empathy

I think there are at least five fatal barriers to establishing empathy in our intimate relationships:

1. I don’t want to go first. In any relationship, both members need empathy. But at any given moment, empathy is unidirectionalit can only flow in one direction at a time. Which means someone has to go first. Someone has to be willing to meet the needs of the other, before their own needs are met.

2. I don’t agree with you. Empathy requires us to place ourselves in another person’s shoes, to allow our hearts to beat to the rhythm of theirs. We often fundamentally disagree with their perspective, and so we are tempted to debate them intellectually, rather than join them emotionally.

3. What if I get it wrong? When we try to place ourselves squarely inside of someone else’s emotional landscape, it can be a little scary. It’s unfamiliar territory. They are inviting us in, but what if we get it all wrong? Empathy can be terrifying if we have any perfectionism within us.

4. I don’t want to feel that. On the other hand, you might know exactly what your partner is feeling. It may bring up thoughts and feelings in you that you would prefer to avoid. If we don’t want to feel our own sadness, we won’t want to feel sadness on behalf of the person we love.

5. It’s not my job to fix you. We confuse empathy with “fixing.” We think we have to do something to take the emotion away, and we don’t want to be put on that hot-seat. Or some of us will have the opposite reaction: I’m going to fix you. But this undermines our ability to provide empathy, as well. Because empathy is not fixing. Empathy is joining.

Climbing the Barriers 

If we want to give empathy in our relationships, we will have to sacrifice some values we hold dear:

We will have to be willing to lose, because it will feel like losing. It will feel like our partner’s needs are being met before our own. But there is no other way.

We will have to put aside all of our intellectual debates. Empathy is not a matter of deciding who is right and wrong. It is simply a matter of finding an emotional common ground.

We have to be willing to get it wrong, because we will get it wrong. Empathy is messy. There are no three-easy-steps to accurately understanding the person we love. We have to be okay when our partner tells us we’re not getting it. And then we have to try again.

We need to embrace our discomfort, because empathy will take us into some uncomfortable place within ourselves. If we are unwilling to go there, we need to quit talking to our spouse and start talking to a therapist of our own.

And we have to quit trying to fix things. There will be a time for that later. For now, empathy is about connecting within an experience, not making the experience go away.

Empathy is for Everyone

Some nights, I know that stubborn-grumpy therapist, because he is me. I wish I could tell you he always finds his way to empathy, but I can’t. Some nights he does. Some nights he doesn’t. And you won’t always find your way to empathy, either. But that’s okay. That’s not the point. The point is that we begin to try.

Because empathy isn’t just for therapists, it’s for all of us.

Questions: What makes it difficult for you to empathize? Share your experience in the comments section at the bottom of this post.           

Free eBook: My new eBook, The Marriage Manifesto: Turning Your World Upside Down, is available for free to new blog subscribers. Just click here to subscribe, and your subscription confirmation e-mail will include a link to download the eBook. Or, the book is also available for a low price on Kindle and Nook. As always, thank you for reading; it’s a gift. Blessings, Kelly

Preview: My next post will be this Friday, March 8, and the working title is, “Winners Anonymous: Breaking Our Addiction to the Extraordinary.”

Other Popular Posts Related to Marriage and Partnership:

Kelly is a licensed clinical psychologist and co-founder of Artisan Clinical Associates in Naperville, IL. He is also a writer and blogs regularly about the redemption of our personal, relational, and communal lives. Kelly is married, has three children, and enjoys learning from them how to be a kid again. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

65 thoughts on “The 5 Barriers to Empathy in Marriage (And How to Overcome Them)

  1. Good article. I’d like to see one on your perspective of how to draw boundaries in our empathy and compassion. I seem to get so caught up in another’s needs, that I completely negate my own.

    • Hi Deborah, That’s a good call. My next two marital posts are actually going to deviate from my usual themes and focus more on these ideas of boundaries. Specifically because we need a balance to all this, as you point out. I’ll look forward to hearing your thoughts!

  2. “We will have to be willing to lose, because it will feel like losing. It will feel like our partner’s needs are being met before our own. But there is no other way.”
    The greatest thing about this? It only *appears* to us as a loss before we choose it – but that’s exactly opposite of the truth. Once true compassion & empathy arise in us genuinely, we realize that we never lost anything at all, and in fact, all the love and understanding we give comes right back to fill us – and more – so much more!
    (But if the empathy is merely postured, it *will* feel like a loss the whole way through.)

    • Jennifer, I love this. The experience of giving genuine empathy can feel like it’s own reward, too! And we give it not demanding to receive it back, but trusting we will find places in this world that we will. Thanks, Jennifer.

    • Yes, it does, Sue. Reminds me of what a friend said recently, we have to be receiving it from somewhere in order to give it. Otherwise, we run out of gas.

  3. Hello Kelly,

    I have been wanting to write to you for a long time now. I wanted to thank you for your blog, your marriage manifesto and all that you have been doing for couples. I don’t use much social media, but I am always forwarding your posts by email and people really appreciate it. I would like to thank you because your words have really been helping people and myself, of course. And I wanted you to know that I am writting from France and forwarding your posts to Belgium, Japan and Brazil, where people are really enjoying it too. Thank you. And thank you for being honest about your own vulnerabilities and marriage. It’s refreshing and inspiring!



    • Sarah, Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing this. It is amazing to me to think about how interconnected we are all by technology. I’m grateful for your encouragement and so glad to hear the blog and the book have been helpful!

  4. “Because even for psychologists, empathizing with the people we love is so hard to do. ” I so appreciate your honesty. It is good to know that this is a struggle we all have in our relationships.

    • Thanks, Jenn. A little more about being a psychologist and a human in tomorrow’s post!

  5. What makes it difficult for me to empathize… too much is exhausting. I would like to feel like I get about as much empathy as I give especially when I need it. Also, it helps to know how someone wants that empathy displayed to them. I would be interested in a topic on showing it to kids.

    • Deb, Great ideas. I have something like this about kids in the pipeline, probably the next month or two. And you and Sue share a similar sentiment: it may be that empathy can only be given to the extent that it’s received!

  6. The going first is definitely a barrier for me. And it does feel like losing. Whew. This post hits really close to home. And that’s a good thing!

  7. I have a hard time empathizing because I don’t usually have a lot of respect for whatever the problem is. It usually seems so petty or childish to me that I get angry that its even a problem.

    • Jill, I think that’s a common pitfall. I think they key is moving past the specific problem to empathizing with the feeling that problem caused for the person. The “How to Find the Promised Land” post unpacks this a little bit more.

  8. What makes it hard for me? Ego, caught up in my own needs as the dominant force that erroneously believes enslaving myself to satisfy myself will somehow quiet the beast, or worse like your supposed to do it!
    Not knowing that’s just a big illusion that I even exist as an ego, like a child, believing all appearances as real, especially the appearance of me, and what I think is the appearance of you, like we’re really separate, haha. We’re not, that’s why empathy is so transformative, it shatters the illusion of separateness. But ego is easy, empathy takes effort. Thanks for your posts they really help. Thanks for your effort!

    • Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Trish! Just read a fantastic book about overcoming ego: “Immortal Diamond” by Richard Rohr. Less ego, more empathy…a good motto!

  9. my problem unfortunately is that i do not love my husband. i got married on the rebound (after being very much in love with my former fiancee) and i did not give myself time enough to get to know my current husband. now i am stuck in a marriage in which i feel no love (and no hate either). i can’t get out because i have kids and i don’t want them to go through the ordeal of divorce. i feel really stuck sometimes

    • Sally, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, in this medium, I cannot provide personalized advice or guidance. I would STRONGLY encourage you to seek an individual therapist to work through this with. Best to you and your husband.

    • I’ve been where you are. Here’s what’s gonna happen. Right now you may think you’re in control and that your husband will hang out indefinitely tolerating your lovelessness, but he won’t. One of you will fall into an affair, probably him because you totally do not expect it and are doing nothing to protect yourselves from it. Don’t kid yourself. Your husband feels your unlove. You can try therapy, but at a minimum, you must make up your mind to find things about your husband to be grateful for, and express it to your husband every day! Otherwise your attitude and your marriage will get worse and worse. Your marriage isn’t going to stay static until your kids grow up. It will either grow in love or die a tortured, sudden death. You really do have a choice. Believe that and good luck!

    • And one more thing. Divorce does not have to hurt kids if it is done peacefully. A bad marriage was way more damaging to my older kids than divorce was to my younger children. You have to be honest and make up your mind to be all in or all out. The half way hell is damaging to ALL. It’s living a lie.

  10. Empathy is easy when the experience is common or readily visible. I gasp when I see someone trip or fall. It’s natural and happens without thinking.
    Things quickly become tricky when you don’t share the same experience, or you can’t immediately determine what the other person is upset about.
    It took me weeks to figure out why some women like to buy shoes. Women’s fashion is complicated and the shoes can make or break an entire outfit. When it works, it’s like an artistic creation. The woman feels good and looks good. When it doesn’t work, the woman is self-conscious and feels like a fashion disaster.
    I have to remember this when I want to go home but my wife wants to drag me to another shoe store.
    Jennifer Koski is right. When you make the effort to understand other people’s actions (even if you don’t share the same experiences), you gain wisdom, and the power to create lasting compromises.

  11. I am writting in from Nigeria,and must say I loved reading this particular article.

    Down to earth and correct, with surgical precision (in my own case at least).
    I have always enjoyed you writeups, and the “Marriage Manifesto” was a blessing, forwarded it to a friend as well.

    I find it hard to empathise with my wife when I am already unhappy with her about something that has not been resolved before the time in question.

    • Thank you so much for these kind words. And I think you are right on: it can be really hard to empathize when we feel like there is an unresolved injustice in the relationship.

  12. Sometimes, my hubby and I start competing for empathy and engage in a debate to convince that the other has it easier! I guess sometimes, we just need to consciously make an effort to go first. Somewhere I read that when my husband returns from work, instead of offloading right away, I should give him space to re-align. I give him that now…close to half an hour and he appreciates it and is re-energized to take on our son to a park for some son-dad time and I unwind that time! Great post!

    • Priti, I love the way you have been thoughtful and adaptive in your marriage. The image of giving him space and then him being more free to engage is a beautiful vision of the dance of marriage. Thank you!

  13. Pingback: Barriers to empathy - Christian Forums
  14. I’m really concerned about my husband. He tries to be positive but is always angry, if I’m sick he gets angrywith me and won’t help me unless i am in almost tears, we have two small children and he loves them to bits but really lacks empathywith them too when they can’t makea decision or are sick etc. I’m really struggling and don’t know what to doijust want the same love back

  15. I get the idea of this, and it makes sense. I think it’s important to really work at empathy in a relationship, and make a conscious decision to do so in tough situations. i have a question though. What if this partner you are supposed to be empathetic to has been emotionally and physically abusive, and looks at your empathy as a weakness he/she can use against you to hurt you and get what they want? Do you still be empathetic? it’s important to protect oneself in a situation like that, can you be empathetic to them and still do that? how?

      • That answer is the simplest of them all: You have to leave. Not only would this article be irrelevant to your specific situation, but even with the best tactics, the abuse with never coincide. I work with DV survivors and there is ultimately one road to take if you want something to change for the better in your life.

  16. I came across you post/site when I typed in “What is Empathy” among a slew of others. However, yours stood out and the comments (I read them all) as well to compel me to comment.

    I’m a business owner and I think very logically, not so much emotionally, however, my wife is the exact opposite. She gets flustered so easily. She shuts down in the blink of an eye if something goes wrong or not her way. She cries, sometimes. And it can be over very little things… in my opinion, again thinking logically and rationally about the situation or how she may be feeling.

    So, it has put a strain on our marriage since she says, I don’t listen to her feelings. We are in counseling now and we’re working on our inner demons and our egos and our feelings. I’m trying to be more empathetic, it’s extremely tough, but only with her. Not my clients or my business partners. It’s the strangest thing and it really is tragic.

    I’m putting forth the effort. I believe she is as well to work out her over-sensitivity to situations or her blow outs and crying. She is working on empathy towards me as well. Our counseling also said it’s going to take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I can’t get my six-pack abs back overnight either. Patience was stressed by our counselor and I have been showing great patience, but tonight we were practicing our empathy and our “Speaker, Listener” conversations and our “Taking a break” to calm down our mind and body if empathy was getting ready to be passed out the door. She called for a break and I respected it and shut up (meaning I stopped talking to show I was being patient). It gave me time to calm down too. But, then I called for a break and it completely backfired. She kept coming at me. Empathy was out the door. And I felt trapped. As if I painted myself into a corner. Then she began crying and I didn’t know where it came from. I asked her for patience and understanding and respect for my break in a calm manner/tone, which I felt we both needed again, much like I provided her. I then felt resentment, as if I shouldn’t have practiced what we were trying to work on. I’m not practicing more patience in trying to understand the change for her is also going to be very hard to grasp and accept and then ultimately gain control of. I’m not mad at her. I’m not mad at myself. I handled the situation in the likeness of how our counselor recommended we begin to approach and implement into our marriage.

    Empathy is definitely a 2 way street. And I agree it is also unidirectional. Only now I see it because that’s the way it has to be. Otherwise, it’s a battle for who’s right and who gets the last word. Empathy is going to be a lot of hard work. Empathy is a change in mental processing of your own information intake and how to perceive it from your partner/spouse. It is going to be A LOT of patience because no one, including myself, enjoys ‘change’ or even seeks ‘change’.

    Thanks for your posts and sharing unbiased insight. Your examples aren’t gender specific, rather couple specific, unlike how many of your colleagues write. It’s not always the guys fault or the guys not being empathetic enough, or at all. Looking forward to reading your eBook next.

    – Shawn

    • Sorry, saw a typo near the end of my 4th paragraph… **I’m NOW practicing more patience in trying to understand the change for her is also going to be very hard to grasp and accept and then ultimately gain control of.

  17. What would you think of if your boyfriend forwarded “Empathy is hard. By
    its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two
    people. One partner must always go first, and there’s no guarantee of
    reciprocation. It takes risk. It’s a sacrifice. So most of us wait for
    our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take
    the empathy plunge, it’s almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the
    people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the
    perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy
    plunge ourselves?” this part of the article to his former girlfriend who he claims to have no more feelings for?

  18. I can usually empathize with friends and family, but with my significant other– well, that’s a whole different story. I guess you could say that I don’t want to go first. But it is much more than that. I’ve been so emotionally hurt by him that sometimes I just feel like he should suffer or that I shouldn’t have to help him because he doesn’t deserve my compassion or empathy… After reading this article, I hope I can change to be a better partner as well as a person.

  19. What makes it difficult you ask? The same thing that makes it easy. I came from a broken home, suffered through sexual abuse as a child, entered adulthood with no clear focus of what direction my life would, let alone should, go. I had many challenges throughout my formative years, and indeed being a soldier more that faced me as an adult. The whole time somehow I knew people succeeded in life, people found happiness, really happy people found contentment with where there life was and the course it was headed. I knew this, and I knew I wanted that too. So after many years of bumps and hard lessons learned I’m for the most part there. I graduated from a trailer park to owning a home, I have a fantastic wife and great kids. The actions that happened in the past a faded memory.
    It’s going through this that makes it easy to empathize because I know where the bottom is. Where it becomes hard is when you know someone who can’t connect, and continue to let their past hold them down, or worse start patterns of greater self destructive behavior. After I while I have to disconnect. Mental note for any young readers on here. A way that helped me develop into a stronger more confidant man, was finding an older patient mentor. Someone successful, who was patient enough and caring enough to help guide me. Set the example if you get my meaning.

  20. What stops me is the feeling of being emotionally blackmailed. A situation occurs, and instead of my needs being addressed, the other person appears so helpless in their pursuit for forgiveness that I disregard my own to ease their emotional burdon. I forgive once, and the offense occurs again. And the next time or happens, I them react differently towards their emotions, by standing up for my own, and the other person acts as if I wronged them and accuses me of being unforgiving and selfish in my pursuit for righousness. This is a continued cycle for over 10 years. Recently things have gotten so bad that I have emotionally shut down. I can’t respond to anything that he has going on emotionally with genuine feelings, because if the extent of time mine were neglected as well as being manipulated in feeling wrong for things I had all right to be upset for. Serious events have occurred between such as him losing someone close to him, and I was completely emotionally unavailable. Part of me wishes I could feel something but the other part, knows there is a great Wall of China built around my emotions and I know exactly why I don’t care as much (making me feel justified..). And now I’m even more on the emotional drain list because of my response to his emotional need… making him focus even more on his needs and continuing to disregard eventing that I need/needed..

  21. This is probably my husband’s biggest complaint about me. I am “un-empathetic.” “I don’t agree with you” is where I often get stuck. My mother and I used to always fight about who was right until the death, and I still have a difficult relationship with her to this day. This just goes to show that “I disagree with you” certainly DOES block empathy.

    I have learned mostly to get past this one with my husband, and then next I just don’t have a proper response. I have a tonne of compassion in my heart for him, and no clue how to express it. I miss his heart and his emotions so often that we are emotionally disconnected, and it doesn’t “feel” like I’m his wife. He tries to explain empathy to me, and he does an awesome job! I just can’t seem in the moment to be able to find the words to say to express empathy. Words like, “I understand,” or “I get it,” or “you’re right,” and especially “I’m sorry” have all lost their meaning because I’ve used them so much they’re like a broken record to him, even though to me they are extremely heartfelt. How can I learn to express my heart? How can I keep my heart open when he’s angry with me, and then find a way to express myself with an open, caring heart, and not out of the fear of saying the wrong thing that’s killing us? Sometimes he even tells me what he would like to hear me say, and I would not have thought of it on my own. I feel so stuck and I don’t yet see a way out. I must change, or our marriage is over. I have so much brokenness of my own which all hurts him deeply (he’s a highly sensitive man and I’m almost the exact opposite), and it’s all blocking any emotional intimacy, which makes it not feel like a marriage. And in my husband’s eyes, without the emotional intimacy, what’s the point? To me, I will stick it out until death. I just really need to learn to be expressive in order to grow and become much different than the family I grew up in. We can’t stay here forever. Do you have any guidance?

    • It sounds like you are willing to put in the effort to make your marriage work. That is huge. I bet your husband would be thrilled if you agreed to couples counseling to strengthen your marriage.

    • Hi Colleen,
      I am in the exact same position as your husband! Maybe I can shed some light on this for you from a point of view that’s similar to his:
      I feel EVERYTHING – including my husband’s feelings – and it seems like I am completely unnoticed and unappreciated by him because of his inability to do the same for me. He also sounds like a broken record with words like “I understand, you’re right, I get it,” etc. The key is when you said “Sometimes he even tells me what he would like to hear me say, and I would not have thought of it on my own.” That is huge. I recently had to spell this out for my husband – for me it was just wanting him to do something thoughtful for me once in a while, and how it would mean the WORLD to me. I gave him examples like “If I tell you I’ve been crying at work all day, maybe bring home some flowers to cheer me up,” or “Since I’m so bad at getting out of the door on time, maybe warm up my car and brush the snow off it for me in the morning.” It’s all about being CONSIDERATE. Anticipating the other person’s needs in a thoughtful way. To me it’s a no-brainer, because that’s what I do for him all the time. I think “Why would any husband NOT give his wife flowers after she’s had a terrible day??” He still doesn’t really get it but he’s trying.
      A big thing I’ve learned about is the “5 love languages” (buy the book, seriously). If you and your husband express your love for each other in opposite ways it can cause hurt and emotional disconnect. The 5 languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. Mine is obviously Receiving Gifts/Acts of Service. It sounds like your husband’s love language is Words of Affirmation. This link has some helpful tips on how to communicate with a partner who’s love language is Words:
      On the Love Languages website you can also take a quiz to determine YOUR love language – this will help to educate your husband about how he can be a better partner to YOU as well.
      I know a lot of this sounds corny, but it has seriously saved marriages.
      Best of luck to you!

      • Sarah McCartan SAID:

        Liberals are hate-filled? They aren’t the ones out there KILLING PEOPLE.

        You must have been asleep when your liberal buddies murdered all those Police officers.

        You must have been asleep when you liberals tried to burn down U of C berkley.
        In fact, the president of berkley is so scared of you nasty hateful liberals he installed a $9,000 escape door in his office just in case his security is breached by you assholes. Run to your safe space snowflake. maybe your hubby will appreciate you more! Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha! LMAO

  22. I disagree with “it’s not my job to fix you”. If my partner needs help and asks, it’s pretty selfish to say “not my job” ?! Or if something effects me than it would be self destruction to think “it aint my job to fix him”! Either way it’s a flawed thought regardless of the person’s ability to empathize because of a selfish person would do something to change something they don’t like in a partner when it effects them. Granted it’s a person’s lack of empathy to help fix a partner when a behavior doesn’t effect them.

  23. I just read this and hope to get more insight into our marriage. I have been married to my husband for 22 years and we were married young. We dated for 5 years, since I was 16 and he was 20, until getting married. I noticed a big change in him right from the start. He took command of every decision financially. Including what cereal to buy! I was so sure he was just nervous about the new responsibility…or so he told me. I quit a full scholarship to college to work full-time so he could go back and get a second degree as an RN. After that, he didn’t encourage my studies or return as I had lost the scholarship because it had timed out. He moved us across the country and away from my family. I was excited to see CA and thought it was temporary. It wasn’t.
    We had been married almost ten years and I had wanted children for so long. He kept saying we weren’t ready but I was almost thirty and had had to have surgery at 17 to remove fibroids and such. The doctor had said to have babies sooner rather than later. I am not proud of what I did but I stopped my birth control pills and had our first child at thirty. My husband now asks me why we waited so long! We had our daughter four years later after trying for two years.
    My husband has always been competitive with me. He hates any interest of mine science, art, music, literature, physics, but will only “quiz” me on Roman history ad nauseam…for 22 years! I can hold my own with a lot of it thanks to literature and art history (He was shocked in the beginning). Now I play dumb and listen to the same facts again and again and act like he is so smart. (When we met I thought he loved how smart I was and he knew I was an I.B. student. He had always joked about how he had a SOCIAL LIFE. I knew he was smart but didn’t apply himself. Well, he did in nursing school.) When we got married it became something, but here he was with two degrees and I haven’t even graduated.

    Then, three years ago, I got really sick. Like, I couldn’t get out of bed. Idiopathic pancreatitis…twice. I tried to get him to take me to the hospital…not the first time he’s ignored me in a health emergency( I had preeclampsia with second baby and thank god my best friend was staying with us…she took me when my husband refused…I ended up in hospital for last two months of pregnancy) this time he told me it was gas and to lie down. Promised to check on me in a bit. An hour later I am unable to move off the bed and writhing in pain. On the drive, I pass out. He’s a NURSE for heaven’s sake!.

    Turns out I have a COUPLE of autoimmune illnesses and have demylination in my brainstem. I never know when I may lose control of muscles or breathing or even autonomic system. I will also lose ability to think straight and sometimes pass out and lose bladder function. Yet, these past three years it’s been all about my husband! He was convinced he had thyroid cancer, lung cancer, oral cancer, skin cancer….this is a consuming obsession for him. While my hair has fallen out in clumps, he got a “preventative” hair transplant! While I suffer from constant rashes and permanent discolorations, he had laser treatments to remove sun damage spots. While the meds caused a ton of weight gain for me, he makes sure to hit the gym every day for at least two hours. While the pain keeps me up at night and the fatigue is overwhelming and I homeschool the kids, he complains if he doesn’t get a full 8 hours and the messes he leaves in the house are still there after his grueling 4 hrs shift!
    (He is very lucky in a swing shift. He sees a patient or two and then fills out paperwork…”supposedly” this takes hours… at home.)

    I get ignored unless he is upset over something…which is usually every day. Complaints about people at work. People at the gym. People online. His son. Roundabout complaints about how I never seem to get better. Threats about selling the house. Putting us in a tiny apartment. (The yard work is taken care of by HOA) Threats about moving us close to his mom. Wow, she is so COLD.
    I tried for 15 years to be a good daughter in law. I just stopped. My husband calls her EVERY DAY. I call my mom maybe once every one or two weeks to let her know what the kids are doing.

    I know this was long. I am afraid I can’t leave because of health issues. I am also afraid that the stress is causing the health issues to be a lot worse than they would be if the kids and I left. I know my husband will fight dirty. Very vindictive. I am ashamed of hi is character.

    He once told me that he wished he could care about people the way I did! Chills went up my spine.

    • I would advise you to see a therapist. Since you feel you must stay in the marriage, it will give you coping techniques. I would say you probably should leave honestly. The marriage is not healthy. Your husband is unwilling to change. If you sit down and map out what it would be like if you left him, how would you pay your bills or get assistance with your illness. Right now it sounds like your husband does not help much anyway. Things to seriously consider.

    • All I hear is you complaining about your concerns/needs/wants. Every RN I know work swing shifts, which aren’t easy, and work extremely hard while enduring narcissistic Doctors throughout their shift. And that’s not even addressing the stress with making sure you administer the right dosages/care, for fear of being sued.

      You got this extremely weak argument as to why you couldn’t finish your education. You point the finger at everybody/everything else but yourself. Then again, it was probably your plan to find and marry a paycheck so you could kickback, relax and become a so-called housewife. Idle wives always turn into,”I want….I want…I want….”.

      Grow up and take some responsibility for the poor life decisions you’ve made. And while you’re at it, how about you consider his needs for once? He is the breadwinner and deserves to be treated better.

      “He once told me that he wished he could care about people the way I did! Chills went up my spine.”

      I didn’t know the heart was in direct communication with the spine.

      • I admit that I bear some responsibility for not finishing my education. I worked full time while my husband got his second degree. His first was in political science and he decided he could make more money in the medical field. He had me enroll in classes knowing that I would be unable to attend so that we could get more in student loans. Inevitably, I received a few Fs in the classes that required attendance. I reiterate that I worked FULL TIME while my husband did not work during this time. I did not expect him to as nursing school is extremely demanding.

        My husband works from home. His shift is supposed to begin at noon. That is actually when he wakes up. He calls in and gets one or two patients to go see (lots of the time none…or they cancel or he takes care of things over the phone.) If he must go see them then they are scheduled for a 2:30-3:00 visit. Since he is only a covering nurse, he does not have regular patients. He is usually home in time for dinner even before 6pm. He KNOWS he has a very lucky position. Yes, the stresses are the same, WHEN he does work.

        I homeschool both of our kids. The oldest is autistic. He is now almost 15. Talk to me about idle housewives being caregivers and educators 24/7 of two kids, one being special needs, having an illness themselves, yet still trying to be the POSITIVE role model in their lives. When my husband calls the kids names like “stupid”or “baby” how do I give him the respect I so desperately try to keep doing while letting the kids know that this is not okay?!

        From my post, I surmise that you think that is how I act and treat my husband. No. Bear in mind that I came on here with the expectation that my husband would never see this and that I would find some catharsis in venting a bit.

        Being an idle housewife has never been on my agenda. I think a large part of me envies my husband’s ability to work and is frustrated at how he just does as little of it as possible. The problem was, I was pre med at the time he looked into going into nursing. I think my interest influenced his choice. He just saw the money. I wish he would quit and do something that he actually enjoyed! It’s my husband who has to have the nice things, nice vacations (I usually can’t go on them anyway…😉). He grew up with never having to work for anything. I grew up in a family that valued good work ethic and also we moved every 4 years and are close. Family is the most important thing to me. To my husband, his mom is one of his sympathetic listeners but he won’t go visit her and he doesn’t know what’s going on in her life.
        Of COURSE, having a sick wife is stressful! It has hurt our entire family and the weight of the guilt I feel every day gets heavier. My husband wanted a fix for a diagnosis that had a progressive and painful prognosis with no fix. At first, we tried all sorts of experimental stuff….As each one failed, I became more despondent as he became angrier. I know he is hardwired to fix it but he won’t try to find ways to live together and be a couple with this new reality.
        On a last note, I am working, very slowly, on making jewelry. I hope to be able to have a small business from home to start the kids’ college/trade school fund.

        I am curious as to what you think “I want”ed…so much from my previous post. I wasn’t asking for anything but to be acknowledged when my husband comes home from work and said goodbye to and perhaps when he thinks he will be back when he goes out. Thank you and your welcome here and there would be wonderful as well. I feel so weird always thanking him and getting silence. It feels passive aggressive somehow. When I have a good spurt of energy and clean or do laundry, it is not even acknowledged. If I do try to (pathetically) point out what I did, I get a response like,”But you don’t do it enough to COUNT!”

        I used to get a pain prescription from the Dercum’s specialist. She moved to another state and then there is this crackdown on prescription drug abuse. Here in CA, especially with our HMO, if you aren’t dying or in acute pain, no prescription pain meds for you! I was doing so well for the eight years that I took the SAME amount of pain meds. Now, nothing else works and for the past few years I have been a failure.
        I am a kind, funny, sympathetic person who was simply expressing my fear that maybe my husband is just unable to be emotionally intimate. His own dad has Asperger’s like tendencies…undiagnosed. I would rather he be unable than choose to be this way.

        I am sorry but I don’t understand why you reference the heart with the “chills up my spine” reference. I was trying to express the fear I felt that my husband didn’t feel anything for even homeless children or the starving in India. I love my husband. Are you saying I need to have compassion for what seems like his lack of it? My son is diagnosed with Asperger’s and has great capacity for compassion and empathy. However, there are certain personality disorders that cannot be changed where the person simply lacks empathy. That is my main fear…. Our kids had begged their dad to allow us to adopt a child from Compassion International. I had always wanted to do it and my son had picked out one at a conference that was from India and exactly his age. Throughout the past six years, the kids and I have been writing with Jobin. Jobin always made sure to thank my husband and keep him in his prayers as well even though he never heard from him. Jobin was only one year away from graduating and on track to receive a full scholarship to university last fall when India no longer allowed Compassion or even the Red Cross to aid their poor. We lost contact with Jobin and were so worried about him. My husband, however, was just happy about saving the $40. That was when he said what he did. We are by no means poor. (I had saved from working in high school and college before marriage for the down payment on our house…which has only his name on it. Why? I was in the hospital with a newborn when this was done. I THINK he just takes care of things, or does he do it on purpose? I really don’t know…..)
        I want him to be happy in marriage. If it can’t be with me then so be it. I worry that he is being logical about this and waiting until I can get the kids graduated and especially our son situated before divorce. That could be 10 years from now! The stress all of us are going through is not worth this, do you think?
        If you could give me your opinion on how to proceed? I have been kind and caring. I moved away from my family from GA to FL then to CA for his education and then his work. He controls all of the money, financial purchases, etc. He will ask my opinion but get angry if it differs from his so I just give in to keep the peace. Really, at this point, not because he is the “breadwinner” because I am not sure you understand how monotonous and unending the housework for a housewife (especially with kids…it is not just like living with some roommates…) actually IS—but because he has always gotten his way and at 44 and sick, it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. It usually never did. A therapist told me that I had no voice in the relationship. I tried for a bit. It was exhausting and stupid trying to set “boundaries” that he knew I had no power to back up.
        I did think that getting some help around the house once or twice a week would be a good idea. It would relieve some of my husband’s burden and then perhaps his anger would go down. My stress would go down and then pain might decrease….I thought it was worth a try. My husband said,”You mean I would be hiring help!? Because YOU don’t earn a dime!” Well, he refused. He says going on vacations helps his stress. So, he will be gone with the kids most of the summer. He comes back to the same situation….
        I think I am depressed but I am on the highest dose of antidepressants I can take. If it weren’t for the kids, I think my husband would happily send me to Switzerland where I could end my pain.

  24. Hello Dr. Kelly, I’m glad I came across this post. I am at a loss at the moment… my husband is self endulging in therapy for te last 4 months. It is his full time job to participate in every single therapy group/session available to him. I know he has a few issues that I believe to normal and natural reactions. However, he obsesses over every single past experience and dwells enough on them to turn it into a big deal/problem for him to solve.
    I am a nursing student, on my last year of school for my BSN-RN degree. For the past 3 years I’ve done nothing but practice empathy with multiple patients and somehow I can’t empathize with my husband. I don’t believe his issues are even real, I believer they are all created in his own head. Somehow I see him thrive off pity, which he associates with compassion. When I tell him my true feelings it turn into a fight.
    He offered marriage counseling but I’m not sure it’s what we need. My mind and heart are scattered and I don’t know what to do.
    What would you recommend?

  25. Thanks for sharing this wonderful information. Here give good explanation in detail that helps people. It’s wonderful information. I like this post. This information helpful for many people. It’s great post.

Comments are closed.